don't worry, i've got your back

My friend the Werewolf works in a research lab.  He goes in a couple of nights a week to feed baby mice until they die and then he takes out their intestines for research.  I know it sounds kind of gruesome, but the research team is trying to figure out ways to keep babies born prematurely alive.  (According to the Werewolf, the number one killer of premature babies is intestinal tract infections.)

He tells me that he's often there alone at night and sometimes it gets a little eerie.  Being the good friend that I am, I made him this helpful list.

Ways the Werewolf could die while in the lab:

- rat escapes and bites his face off

- someone mugs him while he's walking to his car

- genetically altered mice revolt
- bit by sick baby legolas* while feeding it
- contaminated by baby legolas blood after it dies
- peta activists invade
- racing downstairs so he's not late and trips
- stuck in the elevator
- poisonous snakes in the air vents
- bubonic plauge
- heart attack
- overheating
- computer/radio short causing electrocution
- equipment malfunction
- stabbed with needle
- raptor attack
- accidental cut with unsanitary dissecting instruments
- pass out from the fumes and hit his head
- stuck in the dead rat freezer
- vivarium fire
- something falls on him in the construction zone
- tarantula in a rat suit
- mutant shark attack
- poisonous spider bite
- rabies from mice
- building suddenly sinks into the earth
- natural disaster: tornado, earthquake, tsunami
- fire ant infestation
- contracts the swine flu from coworker
- boredom
- pass out from not eating
- security guard misunderstanding
- paper shredder accident
- zombies get in from the hospital
- zombie mice from the dead rat freezer
- lyme disease

- going blind from exploding rat guts
- did i mention raptor attack?

*I once asked the Werewolf if he named his baby mice and he said he didn't because it would be too sad when they died, plus he couldn't really tell them apart anyway.  So I convinced him to call them all Legolas**.  Sometime when I talk to him about work I just ask how the little Legolases are doing.

**Legolas's real name, not actually "Legolas".